I’ve spoken at cancer patient events before, but this group was different. Perhaps it was because I had the opportunity to meet some of the attendees one on one the night before at a meet and greet. It gave me the chance to hear their stories and really connect with them. I’m so glad I had that opportunity.
One of the comments I heard from some of the ladies in
particular was “if it wasn’t for my
husband, I wouldn’t be here”. It gave me such a good feeling to see the
couples together in hope, supporting each other with such love and
commitment, walking hand in hand. It was beautiful. One young lady, Andrea, was diagnosed with her
brain tumour only one month after her wedding. She felt so badly about it, yet
her husband insisted that he would be there for her no matter what. As much as so
many people came to me after my presentation and told me how much I inspired
them, they inspired me too.
On a personal note, their comments struck me because when I
was going through my cancer experience, my husband at the time (notice how I
say ‘at the time’) was not there for me. He didn’t physically leave me or
anything quite that horrible, but he was not much of an emotional support. He left me emotionally. He was seemingly too wrapped up in his
own world in a job he hated and complained about all the time which I suspect may
have blinded him to what his wife was actually going through in battling cancer.
I rarely asked anything of him and pretty much took care of myself, so as not
to be a bother, knowing how miserable he was to start with. I didn’t want to
be a burden and make things worse for him. In fact, I
was still taking care of him more than vice versa even on my worst chemo days.
Makes me wonder ‘Was my self-worth really
that low that I continually put his needs ahead of my own? Was I not worthy of
his love and attention even if yes, he hated his job?’ I remember thinking, “if you hate your job that much, do something about it. Why not look
for another job?” If you hate your
job, you can look for a new one. In my
case, my body had cancer and it wasn’t like I could trade it in for a new one. But
we all make choices in life and it was his choice to continue to stagnate in a
very unfulfilling job.
I’ve moved on with my life since then to much greater
things. Thank goodness. However, looking back, it saddens me that I went
through one of the biggest adversities of my life with so little support at
home from the person who I would have hoped and expected would be there for me
the most. It saddens me that I did not communicate better and express my true
feelings including my fears, anger, needs and desires for fear of being a
burden on my husband. I never expressed my disappointments and didn’t give him
a chance to see if by discussing things maybe he could learn to be more of a
support once he understood how his behaviours were impacting me and what I
needed from him. Maybe if we had communicated better, I could have learned if
it was just his miserable job that was causing him to be so emotionally aloof or if there
were other things bothering him that he needed to express as well that maybe could
have been resolved or at least understood. Who knows. Clearly neither of us were very good at reaching out for help and support. As the caregiver, so to speak, maybe he needed someone outside of us to seek help from as well.
On the positive side, I learned so much through this
experience which I shared in my 30 minute presentation to this wonderful group.
A few of my key messages were about what I discovered about communication and self-worth. I
discovered how important it is in your relationship, when you’re going through
a difficult time yourself whether health-wise or otherwise, to communicate your
true feelings and to know that you are worthy and deserving of expressing
yourself, asking for, receiving and accepting help from your loved one and others
without fear, guilt or shame. Let them know what you need from them and don’t
expect them to read your mind. If their behaviours are making things more
difficult for you, tell them and give them the opportunity to understand and
hopefully change their ways. And give them the same opportunity in return. They may be completely oblivious unless you spell
it out to them. I learned these lessons the hard way through my cancer journey
and a not-so-great marriage that maybe just maybe could have been better had we
both communicated more effectively and made the effort to understand one another.
When I reflect on the past, who I was, and how far I’ve come
in my own personal development, outlook on life, commitment to health and
maintaining courage, it renews my faith in the human ability to self-learn, change, grow and
improve ourselves and our quality of life. I’m living proof. Probably explains
why I love the work I do now in motivational speaking, coaching, writing and
expressing myself to others, sharing my stories, communicating and bringing
hope and courage wherever I can.
Here’s what one of the participants posted on my Facebook
page about my presentation. Thank you again for your kind words, Kenny. This comment means so much:
"Not only
is Roslyn a very talented and engaging speaker, she deeply cares for and
understands the situations that her audience is experiencing. My wife Ali and I
afforded both the opportunity of hearing her speak and also the opportunity of
getting to know her through her presentation and also her commitment to
continuing to get to know the audience members personally afterwards. I would
highly recommend her to anyone looking to really make sure their event is very
memorable. My favorite quote of hers (actually her mother's quote as a
holocaust survivor) "if Hitler didn't kill me cancer sure won't." And
that can definitely give us all a very good perspective on life and its
outcomes." — Kenny Allision with
Ali Paladino Allison.
I’m happy to share with you that since those challenging
times in my life with beating cancer and overcoming divorce, I’ve married a new
man who I will be celebrating our 9 year anniversary with next month. I love my
life and have proudly learned from my past. I’m a better person for all the hardships endured and am grateful
for lessons learned. Been there, done that. I enjoy a much greater sense of balance, wellness and self-worth,
three things in life you cannot put a pricetag on and that you cannot buy no
matter how much money you have. I am grateful for my health and rich in my appreciation for each
day. Each day is a gift, so use it well.After beating cancer at age 29 and conquering her weight gain once and for all, Roslyn Franken is back stronger than ever! She is a world-class motivational speaker, best-selling author, personal empowerment coach specialized in healthy living, stress reduction and overcoming adversity. She is committed to helping people lighten up for good to lead a healthy, happy and resilient life. To book Roslyn for speaking engagements, personal coaching and purchase copies of her book, The A List, visit, http://www.roslynfranken.com
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