Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Will you have these regrets at the end of YOUR life?

My dad is 90 and as I watch him face the challenges of an aging body and mind, I feel myself thinking more and more about growing old and end of life.  I wonder what do people regret the most at the end of their lives? I found an article about a nurse who recorded the most common regrets of the dying and promised that I would live my life today so that I don’t have these regrets at the end of my life.  

I want to share these with you here and some recent experiences that have given me the opportunity to keep this promise to myself  especially when it would have been so much easier to do otherwise. My wish is that what I learned will inspire you to look at your own choices and actions today so that you don’t have these regrets on your last day of life.

Here are the top 5 regrets of the dying:
  1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
  2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
  3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
  4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
  5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.  
I recently attended the Blue Ridge Institute for Southern Community Executives. I had no clue how much I would enjoy this amazing group and take away from the week long conference, both professionally and personally. One of many personal highlights was pushing myself out of my comfort zone by participating in the talent show. I challenged myself to sing for the first time in public a song I wrote. I was so overwhelmed to hear my song come to life with the beautiful accompaniment of Patrick on piano that it literally brought me to tears.
I was so nervous  that my throat got all dry and I actually had trouble breathing. When the crowd gave me an overwhelming standing ovation, I felt on top of the world. In my LIGHTEN UP coaching practice I always encourage my clients to push beyond their comfort zones so this was a great opportunity to practice what I preach.  I proudly kept my promise to avoid regret #5 and let myself be happy by stopping to play it safe. By letting go of my ego and pride and just having the courage to be my true self I got to experience a wonderful sense of joy that night that I would have otherwise denied myself.
I came home on an incredible high to sadly find out that a very close friend, Guy, had passed away from cancer and that another close friend, Chris, just found out that she has cancer throughout her whole body with only four months to live. I was absolutely devastated. As a cancer survivor myself who also lost my mother to cancer, this forced me to again to reflect on end of life. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, but in facing the death of loved ones it is difficult to uphold this belief.
A few days later I decided to visit my dear friend Chris on the way to visiting my dad. She had a nurse over doing some medical assessments so I couldn’t stay long. I left the house barely able to contain my tears and totally lost it once I got to my car. I hurt for her so badly.
As I finally wiped away my tears I started thinking about my To-Do List and how I really didn’t have a lot of time left that day to spend with my dad. That’s when I thought about the promise I’d made to myself that I would not allow myself to have those same regrets at the end of my life as the people interviewed by the Palliative nurse. I didn’t want to reach my end of life feeling “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard”.
I took a step back to ask myself what was really most important to me that Friday afternoon. Did I really need to work so hard that day? Could I spend more time with my dad instead without feeling guilty? Could I allow myself that happiness? I made the conscious choice to be with my dad the rest of that afternoon. Every Friday at his senior’s home they have Happy Hour at 3:30pm. I decided to go with him to Happy Hour that day. I needed to celebrate life with my dad and enjoy his company. It meant so much to both of us.
Life is so precious. Every moment is a gift and we need to take a step back and look at what we are doing to fill those moments. What choices do we make? What actions do we take? We needn’t feel guilty or selfish to choose happiness even when those around us are suffering. It’s okay to be happy.
I don’t fear death, but I do fear having unnecessary regrets at the end of my life. I conquer that fear by finding the courage to choose health and happiness wherever possible and do what it takes to avoid the top 5 regrets of the dying listed above.  Sometimes this means challenging my own attitudes, habits and beliefs about work, productivity and success. As an entrepreneur, this is not always so easy to do. Sometimes it means taking time to reflect on who I really am and what matters most to me.  I know it’s not always easy to find the courage within to be true to yourself, step beyond your comfort zone, reach for your dreams and overcome the obstacles that can get in the way. However, what I’ve learned is how worth it it is when you do, even in those times when things don’t always turn out as you planned or hoped.
When you go for it, at least you have a chance to avoid the regrets. When you hold yourself back, deny who you truly are and never challenge yourself, then you know for sure you won’t get what you want.
Never give up on something
you really want.
It's difficult to wait,
but it's more difficult to regret.
- Author Unknown


Learn about Roslyn Franken’s
LIGHTEN UP Coaching and Motivational Speaking services

4 comments:

Unknown said...

Thanks Roslyn for this beautiful message. The sentence that really jumped out at me was "I don’t fear death, but I do fear having unnecessary regrets at the end of my life." Perfect for living each day. Ev

Dianna Devol said...

Thank you for writing such a great article that everyone can benefit from! I appreciate you sharing your experiences and it is evident that it comes from your heart!

Nataxja said...

"Life is so precious. Every moment is a gift and we need to take a step back and look at what we are doing to fill those moments." We can choose to live the lives we want or we choose not to make our own choices and live the life of someone else. May you enjoy your Friday's with your Father. This is one of the precious life gifts you give yourself. Thank you for reminding us to live

Marion Grobb Finkelstein said...

Roz, you write beautifully. I remember the first thing I did after quitting my day job was drive to visit my mom for a week. The next year when she passed away, I looked back at that week and it brought great solace to know I set my priorities right - no regrets. Thanks for sharing.

Inspiring teens in the Netherlands with my parents’ story of love and hope after surviving horrors of WWII

I recently travelled to the Netherlands where I was invited to give a series of four school presentations to hundreds of students age 14 – 1...